The Truth About Self Publishing

Why isn’t anyone stating the obvious?! Okay, I will.

• You suck as a writer, so hire 3 editors.
• You will not be making money at this venture.
• You will not be making money at this venture unless mommy and daddy and a whole host of your friends on Facebook review (notice I didn’t say read) your book. Fake reviews build buzz. Get a lot of them.
• Your book will stay hidden for a fucking eternity. Write another and then another and you will see the pattern.
• Self publishing is a way for Amazon to gain some business, even if they don’t make money off it. Self pub outlets stand to lose – nothing. And gain some percentage of your profits. While you continue to be poor.
• All those other self publishers – might have made it because they had day jobs and could afford a marketing campaign and advertising.
• Nobody cares about you. Do you have a recognizable name? Nope? Then forget it. Nobody cares about Jane Smith and her novel, no matter how many sex scenes it has.
• Are you waiting for a rosy tale at the end of this nightmare? Yes? Then keep waiting. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
• Unless you are like that popular chick in high school. She got all the boys, attention and went on to buy a house in Kentucky and work on a local congressman’s re-election campaign. She has a big house, blond hair and nice boobs. Her husband is sexy, charming and awesome. Even if she publishes a 500 word story about lipstick, it will be a best seller.
• Nobody likes the underdog. We really, really don’t. Even if someone seems alternative, they aren’t really. Again, it’s high school. Popular kids rule. Same with self publishing.
• It doesn’t matter how good your cover is or how good your writing is. Unless you are a social media darling or have fat chunk of cash to promo your ‘work’, you ain’t going nowhere.
• Blogs are a scam. Readers don’t read blogs. Meaning, your readers. Your economic support group. They don’t give a fat fuck about your blog. So quit while you are behind.
• Don’t waste time reading what published authors have to say. There are only a few people in this world who can put out a really good book, and it isn’t you. Authors get bored and offended by self publishers. So they tend to tell you lies.
• Everyone thinks they can write. Hardly anyone can tell an interesting story. If you don’t think your ideas can put to sleep a meth addict, go down to the curbside and start reading to a local junky. That junky is your publisher, which doesn’t exist. If you can’t gain his undivided attention, then you are a failure.
• Be positive and it will yield results. Or be realistic and just write a book for the hell of it and keep your Walmart job on the side.
• I should join Goodreads and I will soar! Wrong. Join Goodreads and realize these people hardly write books. They write shit on Goodreads about how, where, and why they aren’t doing well. They are a bunch of fucking whiners and I have yet to find one shred of valid information for self publishers. If others like you, they will give your books some stars. But beware of all the conditions that follow those stars.
• If self publishing is so amazing….why aren’t your books on the shelves at Barnes and Noble? You should realize that e-books still make up a dismal and small market of books sold. Unless your hardback or soft cover copy looks just like all those other books in Costco – you are dead in the water. Nobody cares.
• Amazon loves fake reviews. They don’t distinguish between a fake review and real review. They won’t care even if you notify them. So get all your friends to write fake reviews, learn how, and your book might get bumped to #1,765,945 instead of #1,765,948.
• Would you rather me sugar coat all this? So go cry and realize that your book is doomed from the start unless you get a fat contact from a real publisher.

Lastly, don’t read a damn thing NPR has to say. I took their advice for a long fit of time. It is the very very last place to gain one ounce of reality in the self publishing realm. They post case “studies” that represent 0.000001% of the population.

Is this too tough? Harsh? Negative. Good. You’re ready to write self publish your first book.